All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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