Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
