It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
