just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
