I need to stop coming to work sober
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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