It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
