i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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