Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You are a genius and a whore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
