theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
