Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
