I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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