i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We have started to decorate penises.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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