Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
birth control should be required to get into college
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We need to get me chipped asap
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