Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
