I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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