The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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