I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
