Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You ruined the universe
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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