oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
