I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
