the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
