she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
