Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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