His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
