We won't sleep together?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
