Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
someone owes me an orgasm
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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