...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
