last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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