Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
