I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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