My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
