What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
