i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
