Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
