so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize