sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
