foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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