That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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