She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
