Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize