Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
