Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
