he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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