just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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