hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
