How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
