The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
