Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
