You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
