I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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