my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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