Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize