So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
