at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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