If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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