I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
