Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
