nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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