I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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