Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I party with great urgency now.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
