Your mouth is God's brothel.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
