The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
