Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
