just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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