she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize