I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
