wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
